SeaWorld: A Review

SeaWorld is one of the major attractions in Orlando, but it is a lot like the old-time roadside attractions of yesteryear. It doesn't have the high production values and quality showmanship of DisneyWorld and Universal Studios, but it does offer some things that boys can enjoy.

The number one feature of the park is the killer whale shows, featuring the star orca character "Shamu". The standard tricks that they perform can be an entertaining way to pass a half hour, a couple times in your life, but the real sight to see are Sea World's male trainers in their wetsuits. The tight fit of the soaked suits accentuates the sexy contours of the male physique and creates the appearance of a hunky costumed superhero. Their daytime show "Believe" suggests that kids may dream about becoming trainers themselves after seeing one in their youth, although the sight in reality has probably led more to rubber fetishes than sea mammal training.

There are two killer whale shows, a daytime version and a night one, with both having several performances. The tricks are largely the same, so if you only have time for one of them, go to the night show. It's more exciting with its rock music score and it doesn't have the sappiness of the silly day one.

The other animal shows are rather boring and best appreciated by younger children. They don't have any serious "wow" factor for adults. Worse, their quality would be considered "bad show" at a Disney park. Walt zealously didn't want the magic to be spoiled for visitors by seeing the back stage work, whereas staging at SeaWorld is practically non-existent and stage hands wandering through the show are the norm.

The worst show is the ski show. It's a total waste of time. There are like two minor ramp jumps, one high dive, and that's about it. No traditional human pyramids or flag waving. I'd rather see the Go-Go's perform their song "Vacation" in front of a green screen.

A funner time can be had by parking yourself in front of the display window of the underwater entertainment at "The Oyster's Secret" store. The gimmick of the shop is that they sell pearl bearing oysters laying in a large tank of water that you can direct the staff divers to bring to the surface for you. In between retrieving oysters the divers dance underwater to the music of a DJ playing lively popular tunes. The boy dancer/divers are really cute and a lot more exciting to watch than your average sweaty, disinterested go-go boy. It's a captivating sight. Seeing young Eric doing his moves in the tank is like seeing a character from the "The Sims" game come to life.

The most important visitor tip is to remember that the park is owned by Anheuser-Busch, which means that there is a lot of beer sold there. Management knows that they don't have to work as hard to provide entertainment for its mildly intoxicated visitors and the shows are created with that mind. So, if you want to experience the park as it was intended, take frequent Bud breaks and laugh at sea lions playing pirates.

David Sender Vaults To Victory

In the movie Lust In The Dust, Divine's character said "It's always the little one got something to prove." In the men's artistic gymnastics competition at the 2008 U.S. Visa Championships in Houston, a lot of little ones had something to prove in trying to position themselves for a spot on the U.S. Olympic team. The six individual events had six different winners, but the coveted all-around title went to David Sender (at right). Paul Hamm, the gold medalist from the 2004 Olympics, had been leading after the first day of competition but he was forced to withdraw because of a hand injury.

David Sender has always reminded me of Jason Biggs in American Pie. I expect to see him signal that he is ready to start a routine by holding one hand in the air and using the other hand to hold a pie plate in front of his personal John Thomas flair. He's a serious competitor though to be a top gymnast and should be on our team. He said “I was thrilled to win the all-around, but more importantly I proved to the selection committee that I can do two nights of steady gymnastics." Two steady nights of swinging your legs over your head and stretching your perineal muscles? I say, you're selected.

After Sender, the order of the next six gymnasts for the all-around (but not necessarily in the order of wanting to see them shirtless) was Jonathan Horton, Joe Hagerty, David Durante, Raj Bhavsar, Alexander Artemev, and Guillermo Alvarez.

I'm glad to see that Raj Bhavsar is still hanging in there (no pun intended). He was totally screwed when he was given only an alternate position on the 2004 Olympic team so that undeserving Blaine Wilson could be put on the team to get one more chance at winning a medal. The U.S. team got a silver medal that year, but the one put around Wilson's neck rightfully should have been Bhavsar's. I really hope the wrong that was done to Raj will be rectified this year and that he will be representing our country in Beijing.

Speaking of how the judges favor some gymnasts no matter how they perform, there is an interesting article on the International Gymnast website (link) that discusses how the U.S. judges overscore their favorites. It's this kind of thing that allowed Blaine Wilson to win so many U.S. championships when he really wasn't very good. The international judges weren't so lenient and that's why he didn't do as well outside this country. Thank goodness this year he has finally retired. Our American judges would have kept giving him a good score even if he had to use a walker to do the floor exercise.

Here are the top finishers in the individual events:

• Vault: David Sender
• Floor exercise: Morgan Hamm
• Pommel horse: Yewki Tomita
• Still rings: Kevin Tan
• Parallel bars: Justin Spring
• Horizontal bar: Joseph Hagerty

It has occurred to me that being able to do some of these events could have practical, real-world benefits. A pommel horse routine could be a highly effective, albeit unorthodox method of giving someone a deep-tissue massage. A vault would be handy for getting over the beverage cart in the aisle of an airplane. The floor exercise is exercise, which is always good, and putting one foot on the floor while extending the other heavenward is the same position as in the internationally recognized signal of "I'll be ready for my money shot in five minutes."

On the other hand, the parallel bars are only useful in allowing Native-type people to carry you to their sacrifice without them having to bind you to the poles. And the still rings is something that is probably already banned under one of the Geneva Conventions concerning torture.

I have to mention that Guillermo Alvarez (at right) is still one of my favorites. He's good-looking, mild-mannered and intellectual. Plus he has the strength to balance me in any position. Perfect.

Gay men take note: the Mens final of the Visa Championships will be shown on NBC on June 8th. The U.S. Olympic gymnastic team trials will be held in Philadelphia later in June.

Pervious comments on gymnastics and television coverage of the gymnastics finals.

2008 Indianapolis 500 Spectacle

The 92nd Indianapolis 500 automobile race was held on May 25th, 2008. It's still the largest single day sporting event in the world in the largest sports facility in the world (250,000 seats). "The Greatest Spectacle in Racing" is a great place to see the highest class of auto racing and some other sights that make it fun to watch.

The most popular driver and the one that most people would like to have seen win was probably Danica Patrick, but my favorite was Marco Andretti (seen at right). He's one of the top racers on the track (and hopefully in the sack). He maintains tight control whether making a pass or driving hard in the short chute. For the 500 and maybe a few races afterwards, he has sponsorship from Lucasfilm and Blockbuster, driving the "#26 Team Indiana Jones Presented by Blockbuster" car. As a consequence, his sponsors had him wear an entertaining firesuit intended to look like an Indiana Jones costume. The brown jacket and shoulder strap part actually looked cool, but the drawn-on gun holsters made the bottom half look like kids pajama pants and the fedora was just too precious. Marco placed third this year.

A lot of the other drivers are pretty hot also, but they're hidden in the encasement of the cars during the race. The visible guys are in the pit crews. In their firesuits, handling all of that automotive equipment, they look rather studly. Of course it helps that they are all wearing protective helmets. It's the equivalent of the proverbial paper bag over the head. As long as they keep it on, I don't mind waving my green flag at them.

There are also the female drivers, notably Danica. The run-in with Roger Penske's driver Ryan Briscoe coming out of the pits cost her a top 5 finish but it at least put her in the headlines anyway. She got out of her car and marched towards Briscoe in a manner that was the perfect definition of "fierce". She was diverted from giving him a deserving bitch slap but she gets points for making the attempt. Briscoe on the other hand was a dick for not being man enough to admit that he caused the accident. Danica needs to pour some sugar in his fuel tank.

DWTS winner Helio Castroneves placed fourth. He was one of seven Brazilians in the field. Men of Brazil are attracted to a party and so it is natural they would come to the party that is Indy in the month of May.

The Indy 500 is the premiere event of the Indy Racing League (IRL), the main open wheel racing series in the U.S.

An Acknowledgement Of Super Bowl XLII

I was noticing that stats were down on blog visitors and I realized that people were probably watching Super Bowl XLII. I hadn't planned to watch it since without the Colts there I didn't have a dog in the fight. I turned it on just before half time but fortunately with Tivo I was able to skip most of the monotonous moving around the field and players banging into each other, which is to say, the actual playing of the game.

I focused on just getting the gist of it all and looking at some of the commercials. I might have watched for any good looking players but I don't know of any players on either team that would have drawn me to watching them. I don't care for Tom Brady's looks and neither of the Manning brothers has ever done anything for me. The Mannings and Britney Spears just remind me there is something strange going on down there in the bayou country.

With the commercials, I liked seeing Justin Timberlake get sucked and then knocked out by a TV for Pepsi. I was a little ambivalent about seeing Richard Simmons avoid being struck by a car thanks to Bridgestone tires. With Senator Bill Frist and James Carville for Coke I was just confused. Does Coke really think the people watching the game would have any idea who they are and how they were in any way relevant to a soft drink?

I suppose this year's culturally insensitive ad would be SalesGenie.com, using a patently offensive stereotype in panda-face.

There was more bashing of Cavemen by advertisers, this time by Bud Light. Why do major brands of beer even bother running commercials? Does anyone change their beer buying preference based on these? You could force me to watch a thousand hours of Bud Light commercials (although don't think I wouldn't put up a fight) and I would never drink that swill.

My favorite ad in the first half was Brady Quinn consuming some kind of edible something or other called Myoplex. He's so boyishly cute. My favorite in the second half was right at the end. A guy walks through the city carrying his red Dell notebook computer. Along the way he gets groped, kissed, and his butt patted by strangers. I wish this sort of behavior was more socially acceptable. Maybe I would get in less trouble.

Lysacek Beats The Rodent Weir

One of the bright spots of Winter is the return of figure skating on television. It is young men wearing wonderfully revealing raiments, artistically gliding across the ice accompanied by the sonorous strains of beautiful music. It is a time for the spotlight to be shined on sumptuous overly developed thighs and buttocks. It is a time to once again see reigning U.S. Mens champion Evan Lysacek.

I've been impressed with Evan Lysacek since the 2006 Winter Olympics in Torino. There he triumphed over severe illness and a bad performance in the short program to place third in the free and fourth overall. He's got great character and quiet dignity. His skating is not always as steady as his enduring willingness to do his best, but his good nature makes him a winner every time.

NBC showed the Men's Free Program of the U.S. Figure Skating Championships, featuring Evan, on a Sunday night in prime time, which is pretty good for this kind of thing. I think it is more a result of the current writers strike than a change in network TV's usual sidelining of men's artistic sports.

Unfortunately, the viewing audience was also forced to see the vermin Johnny Weir. I used to be a supporter of Johnny Weir, but his attitude and even his appearance are just disgusting. At the start of the show he mentioned being referred to as a princess, which is ludicrous since that would imply some regalness, while Johnny Weir is all trash. He trash talked Evan Lysacek, saying that could never have been friends in real life. That's true - Evan Lysacek would have been with the cool kids while Johnny Weir would have been the kid every one beat up and from whom everyone stole their lunch money. He also said that he was not a religious person, which is good since then I know he won't be offended when I tell him to go to Hell.

Evan Lysacek's Greek Orthodox faith worked out pretty good for him in the competition, since he won the free program and that gave him the championship when he tied Johnny Weir on the overall score.

It's sad that someone like Johnny Weir is so undeniably talented. The problem is all in his attitude. He needs to study Evan Lysacek to see how a champion should behave. When given the opportunity, Evan complimented Johnny and said nothing bad about him. In the end, they both did superior jobs, but Evan is who I would rather be my nation's champion.

Kudos to Ryan Bradley and Stephen Carriere for a job well done. Both are kind of cute in their own way.

Straight In Your Face

When there are suggestions that a male celebrity has something other than straight tendencies, the object of suspicion usually states as adamantly as possible how straight he is while lamely trying not to appear homophobic in any way. The problem is that no matter how much they may insist that they are cool with the gay thing and how some of their best friends are gay, the fact that they are so desperate to convince people of their straightness is proof positive that they think there is something terribly wrong about being considered potentially gay. A recent example of such a reaction came after some fanciful editing on VH1's America's Most Smartest Model made it look like two of the male stars of the show might want to be more than changing room buddies. While one of the models went out of his way to set the record straight in a routine way, the other made a statement that I think should be the gold standard for responding to such innuendo.

Ironically, it was the comic in the pair that insisted on playing the straight man. On the show Jeff Pickel was portrayed as insatiable hugger who used any excuse to give fellow contestant Brett Novek a full body embrace. After the show aired, Pickel in one interview repetitively and strenuously expressed his aversion to boy basters in general and specifically the Hebrew National belonging to his now roommate Brett. I don't think there was anything unusually bad about Pickel's attitude or words; they were just disappointingly normal for the situation. To repeat as many times as he did that he only has straight feelings can only stress how awful he would feel to be thought of otherwise.

On the other hand, Brett, in his post-show interview for VH1, only said what needed to be said to clarify the matter. He said that he and Pickel were just friends. It was the kind of response that a celebrity might say about a friendship that they have with someone of the opposite gender, where they don't go further into detail about why their friend would be so unappealing to them as more than that. It is clear that Brett is both smart and a gentleman and other celebrities could learn a lesson from his honest and considerate ways.

More Jeff Pickel. More Brett Novek.

Brett Novek perplexed by Pickel

Roman Art In Indy

I recently had the opportunity to experience the "Roman Art From The Louvre" exhibition at the Indianapolis Museum of Art. The exhibition contains 184 Roman works from the 1st century B.C. thru the 4th century A.D. These works represent the largest number of loaned pieces from the Louvre for any single show ever. For anyone that is unlikely to travel to Paris to see these items at their permanent home, this is an excellent opportunity to see such a large number of excellent examples of Roman Art in one place.

I have been to the Louvre several times but like many vistors, I didn't pay much attention to the Roman works since there are so many other wonderful things to see there. Now here at the IMA, I was able to spend an entire day getting very close and studying intently all the works of this collection. Their placement and the overall exhibition design were created by the Louvre curators and the IMA staff and the result was a very visitor-friendly layout that allowed ample space to view the works from different angles and to stand and ponder them for as long as you would like.

One of the more interesting works was the bust of Antinous as Osiris (above). Antinous was the boyfriend of the emperor Hadrian. While Hadrian was a bear, Antinous was a stud pup. I knew of the story before, but when I stood face to face with Antinous I could see why Hadrian was so enamored with him. The photo above doesn't look as good as the bust does in real life. He should have been selected Mr. Gay Rome 130 A.D. if he hadn't died unexpectedly that year. As a consolation he was made a god and a city was named after him. Nowadays guys just get a sash and their picture taken.

The exhibition continues at the IMA through January 6, 2008, and then travels to Seattle and Oklahoma City before returning home to Paris.