Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Gay-ja Vu & DIY

Deja vu is the feeling that you have experienced something before. What would be the feeling that something you are experiencing will not happen again? That's a sense I wish I could have had as certain routine events and interesting adventures one day ended with no sign that they would not reoccur.

One routine event was going with a group of people from work every Friday to a local bar. We would play pool and play songs on the jukebox and the evening would be filled with fun, gossip, and storytelling. We did this for several years while rarely missing a Friday out. Other people from work would come to the same bar for a special occasion like a birthday or going away party and they would thank us for coming to their event. They didn't realize we had no idea that they would be there. We were always there.

One Friday it seemed that everyone had something else they needed to do and we didn't go. The next Friday for whatever reason we didn't go again. After that we never returned as a group. To this day I don't know what made it so, but I miss it. I wonder if I had known ahead of time that the occurrences were numbered, would I have acted differently to take advantage of maximizing the enjoyment of every possible moment? Would I have never left early, but rather held out till closing so as not to lose a single moment of such a finite part of my life?

There has been one situation that I have been well aware of its limited duration: the classic one-night stand. In some cases I couldn't have cared less, but in others, where it felt like in some alternate universe it would have been the start of a life long relationship, the awareness of time caused me to capture in my mind what I could in the time available. As what's-his-name would start to drift off to sleep next to me, I would try to memorize every sight in the room, every sound, every tactile sensation, so that I could retain it all as an extension of the experience, keeping it ongoing after real life had ended it too soon.

In truth, I have only a few vague remembrances of any such affairs, and this is how it should be. The memories of past events only exist to help shape your future. Pleasant thoughts of times past encourage you to find similar feelings in ever new adventures. That which was will not be again, but that which will be needs only your active seeking of it to make it so. Everything before is prequel. The main story starts now.

Speaking of time, one of my minor wastes of it is occasionally to check the "missed connections" section of the local craigslist. For some reason I want to see myself mentioned there. Maybe its an ego thing. Maybe its just one of those things you want to accomplish someday in life (e.g. see the Parthenon, win Hoosier Lotto, get mentioned in Missed Connections). Well, I am not a person who is willing to wait on somebody else to do something for me. If I can't expect someone else to do something, I do it myself. I think in this case I want to leave a "desperately seeking" message looking for me. It's not like I would have responded to a real request anyway, so what the hell? If you should check the site and see people across Indianapolis spotting and looking for the same charming, debonair, well-dressed gentleman, it's just me.